The perfect apology?
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Apparently, it’s not easy to master the art of apology. We sure have had enough practice lately. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, baseballer Mark McGuire, Presidential candidate John Edwards, TV host David Letterman and former New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer are just a few of the famous people who have had reason to issue an acceptable apology.
Except for Letterman–ironically the only professional comedian in the bunch–none of the apologies were taken very seriously.
Tiger Woods gave a very public mea culpa last week, proving that the perfect apology is beyond the grasp of the golf perfectionist. Most people felt his speech suffered from too much stagecraft.
A while back, the United States Air Force shot a Chinese fighter pilot out of the sky. The pilot had flown too close to an American aircraft and did not respond to radio warnings. The unfortunate incident occurred during peace time, yet the United States did not apologize until months after the event.
When official condolences were finally issued, the language was stiff and heavily cloaked in qualification. Political analysts surmised that U.S. politicos felt that an apology framed in remorse would somehow be an admission of guilt.
In the business world, warring departments, feuding workers and militant customers can make an apology just as challenging. Image management and legal exposure often come into play, as well.
Spitzer’s apology, in particular, was a weird scenario. You may recall that the former Governor got caught in a prostitution ring. Spitzer resigned and apologized, but never mentioned or admitted that he broke the law.
Whether you’re famous or not, here are 5 Cool Ideas for words that heal at work and at home:
1. Be convincingly sympathetic.
A person’s greatest need is to be understood. Of course, the best way to be convincingly sympathetic is to actually feel sympathy. When apologizing, find time to listen to the people involved, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. Try not to be defensive. This shared time is a great opportunity to stage an apology, but not if you’re argumentative.
2. Let people be “right,” even if they are wrong.
In our hyper-competitive society, many people are infatuated with being “right.” Being right can be complicated because what is “right” for one person may not suit another. Of course, in order to be “right,” someone has to spend time and energy proving someone else “wrong.”
When apologizing, it’s important to validate the other person. Allow that person to cultivate and defend his or her opinions. If you must argue, find ways to take yourself out of the argument by offering non-biased documentation to support opposing views.
3. You can apologize without admitting guilt.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary lists three definitions of the word “apology.” The most meaning is “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” But an apology is also “a formal justification” such as a defense or an excuse. The apology is a lost art.
Years ago, attorneys began winning court cases by depicting apologies as an admission of guilt. An apology is not about admitting culpability or even involvement. After all, I can tell an employee, “I’m sorry you’ve been so sick,” without actually having caused the illness. If an employee takes a few days off due to a death in the family, you are certainly within your bounds to say something like, “I’m sorry for your loss” without being implicated in the death.
4. You can apologize without the other person apologizing.
Please forgive me. These three words will put you on the fast track to healing, especially if they are delivered directly following your apology. The words “please forgive me,” put the onus on the other person to set aside his or her resentment and anger.
5. Repeat the apology as necessary.
Remember the shampoo label directions when using “please forgive me.” Repeat when necessary. This tact worked magic when I first used it with one of my brothers. I said, “I want to take complete responsibility for the bad things that have happened between us. I’m very sorry and would like to start over. Please forgive me.”
