My friend, Dan Drotar, died on Facebook in November of 2010.

Dan had hundreds of friends, people he had met during his career and throughout his rock star social life.

And during his three-year illness, thanks to Facebook, Dan became friends with people he never met.  The sicker he became, the more people wanted to be his online friend.

The hundreds of Facebook users who “friended” Dan during the last months of his life were missing at least part of the narrative that might explain how so many people came to care about a man they would never know.

At age 52, Dan Drotar retired from a 30-year career in the automotive industry.  He was single and ready to start a second career or maybe just enjoy life.  It seemed like only a few months later, Dan noticed a pesky lump in his neck that was eventually diagnosed as Stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma, the second most common type of skin cancer.

Stage 4 is pretty serious; there is no Stage 5.  Dan’s condition was immediately termed “inoperable.”

After a few days of keeping the issue to himself, Dan began to post health-related status updates in addition to the Zelig-type reports he had always shared.  It’s not surprising that Dan’s list of Facebook friends started to grow.  What’s unusual is how these virtual friends became so interested in his life—and ultimately, his death.

Before being diagnosed, Dan made the social scene as a photographer, live music lover, art aficionado, and general man about town.  Upon learning of the cancer and announcing it online, he continued doing all the remarkable things that made up his Zelig-like existence.

Simply put, the illness helped Dan Drotar draw a crowd—and the new virtual audience was hanging on every post.

Many of Dan’s “real” friends lived vicariously through him—the interesting people he met, the memorable things he did, and the exciting places he went.  But thanks to Facebook, people all over the world were participating in Dan’s life.  And he dug it.

Dan maintained dialog with hundreds of his Facebook friends.  He posted on people’s pages, sent private messages, tagged photographs, clicked “Like” a lot, and of course, gave several status updates each day.   Dan programmed his iPhone to give an audible signal whenever a Facebook post came in.

During the last year of his life, Dan traveled to a half-dozen countries, deejayed dozens of local events, photographed everyone from Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm to the rock band KISS.  He made appearances at every important local music event, including his own 8-band tribute in Wyandotte, Michigan last November.

As the illness progressed, Dan’s posts became more entertaining and helpful.  He often posted an “Album of the Day” featuring videos of the individual songs that he liked.

The bucket list trip

In October of 2010, I had the pleasure and the privilege of going to Scandinavia with Dan and our good friend, Duane Scherer.  It was our third overseas trip together and Dan, a world traveler, had never been to this area of the world.

Dan’s health was failing.  He had completed intense radiation treatment and three rounds of chemo, but the cancer was gaining on him.  He had already survived three years with the disease and the cold, hard “inoperable” prognosis was coming true.

But, visiting Scandinavia was on his bucket list and he really wanted to go.  I don’t know how he did it, but the man got out of bed every day of our trip to take in the sites.  He walked and walked as we toured Copenhagen, Stockholm, and Oslo, taking photographs and enjoying each others’ company.  (As of this writing, the photos from our trip are still on his Facebook page.)

Duane and I often walked behind Dan; his pace was slow but steady.  I remember thinking that Dan was afraid to stop moving.  Maybe he didn’t want to leave Scandinavia because he knew he would be coming home to die.

On October 25, 2010, Duane and I brought Dan Drotar home in a wheel chair.  To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, the man was thoroughly used up:

“I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no ‘brief candle’ for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.” – A Splendid Torch, by George Bernard Shaw.

Facebook—A splendid torch

The cancer was closing in.  After arriving home from Scandinavia, Dan had to limit his activity, but he started posting more frequently to Facebook, so it was difficult for online friends to gauge how bad off he was.  Dan rarely complained or even commented about his illness.  As always, his status updates tended to be social rather than personal.

But his Facebook friends were starting to figure things out.  Anyone could tell from the messages on Dan’s Wall that things had taken a turn for the worse.  The end was near and Dan was dying on online.  Even more people wanted to be his friend.

The song titles he posted seemed of a more reflective nature and full of deep meaning.  He posted heartbreaking titles such as Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush’s Don’t Give Up, Hayward and Lodge’s Remember Me, My Friend, Tony Banks’ From the Undertow, and then The Cure’s To Wish Impossible Things.

Dan’s friends posted music for him, too.  They left clickable links to songs such as Barbra Streisand’s With One More Look at You and K.D. Laing’s version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah.

Dan took to logging off in the evening with the phrase, “Goodnight, my friends.”

“Goodnight, my friends”

Cyber friends were posting kind, impassioned messages on Dan’s Wall that at first mentioned “prayers” and then referenced “peace.”

Toward the end, Dan was only posting once or twice a day.  When there was no sign off in the evening, people left urgent inquiries the next morning.

In a touching tribute, Dan’s closest friends replaced their profile pictures with shots of them and him, a futuristic combination of emotional and electronic support.

One of Dan Drotar’s final Facebook posts reminded someone—all of us—to “be nice.”

Finally, there was nothing.

Dan’s Facebook Wall was as active as ever, but everyone was posting to it except Dan.  Soon, a trusted friend used Dan’s username and password to formally announce Dan’s passing and give details of the upcoming service.  This prompted another flurry of posts from Dan’s online friends.  Sympathy.  Sadness. Disbelief.

The news of Dan’s passing on November 29, 2010 read:  “Just received word…. that our Dear friend Dan is at peace.  He left us early this morning….God Bless him.  Love you brother.”

Later that week, Facebook friends were able to read Dan’s obituary as an odd, final status update:

DROTAR, DANIEL of Wyandotte. We are sad to announce the passing of Dan on November 28, 2010. He was the son of Fred and Addie; brother to Tom and Bill; and sister, Mary; father to Danielle; and grandfather to Matt, Shane and Destiny.

Dan left behind many friends including his long time girlfriend, Adele. He enjoyed world travel, photography, music and a passion for technology. Dan was kind and considerate, a great friend, and a lover of life. He will be sadly missed by us all.  Memorial Visitation Wednesday 4 to 9 p.m. at  . . .

A “goodbye call” was announced on Dan’s Facebook page.  People could call in to a conference call bridge line to listen to a short tribute to our friend and offer their own story or anecdote.  People who couldn’t attend the live call accessed the playback recording.  Many who listened to the 30-minute call had never met Dan Drotar.

The final posts

When the death became official, people were posting non-stop.  (Posts have been edited for length and continuity.)

Steve Crouse: I never got the opportunity to actually meet Dan, but considered him a dear friend.  We seemed to have music as the common denominator, and I loved most of his choices and opinions. I could tell by the number of friends and all of the kind thoughts that he was “a well respected man about town.” I know that he is moving on into a better world and will be greatly missed here.

Debbie Williams Nash: I actually never got to meet Dan either, but considered him a great FB friend. Heaven does have a new angel. My thoughts and prayers are with all his many, many friends and family. I will miss you, Dan!

Lesa Huffmaster-Craig: God bless you Dan. My prayers are with your very large “family” of loved ones. Wish you could send us pics of your newest journey.  Perhaps you can whisper in our ears a few of the wonders from time to time.

Steve Brown: I feel sad.  Yet, Dan remains a positive force.  It is wonderful watching the love of this—our—community continue to flourish.  That is the tribute that we continue in his honor.  It’s a privilege to be part of it and I am grateful.

Jan Jeffrey Rubinstein: I’m thinking about you, my friend.  Strangely, though, I think you’ll still manage to check fb…

Martha Murray: RIP Dan, The Lord Said Come Home Dan Your Home Is Ready ! My Love & Prayers Go Out To All His Family & Friends . There Is One Less Bright Light Shining Today, But Thankful For Everyday God Blessed Us With Your Beautiful Spirit. Go Be At Peace.  I Will Miss Your Daily Postings ! God Speed Dan

Dave Caruso: Handsome, nice, creative, good at everything… We were so lucky to have had Dan in our lives.

Art Neely: RIP Dan-you will be remembered as one of the greatest guys I ever known!!!

Shannon Ireland: To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Paula Drotar-Flood: I cannot even breathe from the pain. I love you my friend and cousin.

Andi Gagne Woggon: Today I looked into the sky and it was beautiful. I then realized it’s because you are there. You fly with the angels now, but part of you will always be with us.  Rest In Peace Dan.

Phillip Schmehl: There are some people that when they pass, you realize just how lucky you’ve been to know them… Dan made everyone feel like a millionaire.

Terri Marusak Priest: I never had the pleasure of meeting you in person. These tears I cry are for those that did.

Mike Holder: Though I never met Dan personally, but I have heard nothing but wonderful things about him from his many friends.  He has touched so many lives in such positive ways. The love is incredible…as unconditional love should be. This love is rare in this world, and Dan has been one of those rarities that God blesses us with in this world. God’s peace, Dan as you blaze that trail into the glorious beauty that awaits you on the other side. Heaven is a long hello.

Stacy Wootten Lynch: ‎”Let me feel once more the arms of love surround me, Telling me the danger’s past, I need not fear the icy blast again.” – Undertow by Tony Banks as quoted by Dan Drotar

Jim Bauer: Dan asked me one day….”Do you think there is any good music in heaven?” I told him I believe the music is the most awesome, flawless music and we will all be gifted with untold musical abilities to worship. He then said…”But, do you think I can bring my music with me?”

Don Stiffler: The ultimate gig has started, DJ-ing for the Lord !! R.I.P.

Stephenia Krzemien: Thought it was ironic: on this day in 2001, George Harrison lost his battle with lung cancer. Maybe they’re jammin together right now?

Nancy Mistretta-Werle: I am so sorry to hear of Dan’s passing. I only met him once, but I know he touched many, many lives…I listened to the recording and realized that the older I get, the more I think about life and all I have to do while I am here!

Danielle Marie Suttles: Dad, today was a experience to say the least.  Your great friends overwhelmed me with love and support…You know the saying goes that the more friends you have on facebook the less you have in real life, but you proved them wrong on that one! What a great group of people you surrounded yourself with… Love You…

Facebook friends–better than “real” friends?

Dan Drotar wasn’t famous.  How could so many people care about someone they had never met?

Donna Rockwell, PsyD, is associate faculty member at the Michigan School of Professional Psychology, and a clinical psychologist in Royal Oak, Michigan.

“Human beings naturally crave a sense of belonging,” says Dr. Rockwell.  “In person and through the Internet, we are able to feel the intensity of connection that fulfills this basic human need.  The online experience can and often does offer the capacity for considerable emotional intimacy in what can be an otherwise lonely world.”

Many people believe that Facebook friends aren’t as authentic or as “real” friends, but maybe in some ways, Facebook friends are better than real friends.

Facebook and other social networking sites are an opportunity for an expanded network of like-minded people to feel a sense of belonging through shared information, video clips and even music.  A simple status update can be a type of virtual hug and any type of hug can be extremely beneficial, especially if you are, well . . . dying.

Of course, no one would want to do without real friends and real hugs.  The point is that all of us can have both.

And thanks to Facebook, Dan made hundreds of more friends, people who were somehow touched by this man and better for it.

Dan Drotar’s Facebook Wall continued to populate for days after his passing, raising even more questions about what happens when someone dies on Facebook.  Can Facebook friends compare to “real” friends?  How can you care about someone you’ve never met?  Why does a superficial modality such as social media create such deep and dramatic impressions?  Can you miss someone you’ve never met?  Feel free to post your comments below.

About the author

Michael Angelo Caruso knew Dan Drotar for 15 years.  He was a personal friend, as well as a Facebook friend.

Mr. Caruso, a communication consultant and President of Edison House, has delivered over 2,000 presentations and keynote speeches on the subjects of pro-active communication and Internet marketing.  He has spoken in Africa, the Middle East, the Caribbean and 49 of the 50 states.

Michael has written extensively about social media, including Facebook.  He has also published an audio book on legacy titled, Dear Michael Angelo—A Father’s Life Lessons to His Son.

Mr. Caruso is a long-time member of Rotary and resides in Royal Oak, Michigan, the most unique small town in America.

He welcomes both real and online friends at Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter and YouTube.